Whoever said romance is dead clearly never got any right swipes on Tinder.
Since its development in 2012 to now it has become one of the most widely used dating apps of all time with around 50 million users worldwide. As with any internet venture, some of those users will possibly (probably) be idiots. Here’s a handy guide on how to deal with them.
- Let’s start with the most common type: sex-seeking “cheeky” lad. He’ll ask outright. No playing hard-to-get, no wining and dining. He’s surfing for booty and he’s anointed you the Chosen One (along with 1000 others).
How to respond: This one’s pretty straightforward: say no if you aren’t interested (which you probably aren’t) and yes if you are. Say maybe if you want to test how committed he is to his word. Send some wink emoji’s back if needs be.
2. The guy with the overinflated sense of penis size. Either a large proportion of Tinder users genuinely have 10″ monster penises or somebody’s lying to me.
How to respond: Tell him you have a monster vagina to match. Men love wide set lady parts, do not listen to what PornHub may tell you.
3. The one who pretends he’s too good for chat-up lines. “I’m not like other guys”, he’ll say. DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. Once he has your number on lockdown and pulled you in with his kindness and compassion, then will come the inevitable 3am ‘U up?’ texts.
How to respond: Pretend you aren’t an evil donkey witch yourself. Lure him in with how chill you are. Texts like ‘haha, I’d love to have a threesome’ and ‘what’s that? You’re going out with your buddies tonight? That’s super cool, you don’t need to text me. I’ll probably be playing Call of Duty all night anyway.” Then a few weeks into messaging, unleash all holy hell. Rain wrath down upon him. Then disappear. Or, y’know, just don’t respond or something.
4. The earnest guy who just wants to bum you 😥 He’s not asking for much.
How to respond: Sad face emoticon like this lady here. It evokes all the feelings you just can’t express in a concise and friendly manner. Presumably the sadness is at his pretty forward pick-up line and not in a ‘yes, it’s a damn shame I’m not into butt stuff, we could have been something special’ kinda way.
5. The man of few words but big ideas. Otherwise known as the emoji fiend. He’s a no-holds-barred type of guy and likes to get straight to the point. Props for the interracial hand gestures though, at least he’s a conscientious pest.
How to respond: Morse code. Shove that millennial newspeak up his arse with more impressive methods of communication. Nothing instils the fear of god into creeps than being smarter than them. Which brings us to…
6. The guy who thinks he’s smarter than you but is probably just a sociopath. They’ll wax lyrical about philosophy and bourgeoisie capitalism to let you know that Tinder is beneath them while still swiping right on every girl available.
How to respond: Play dumb until he gets bored and do not by any means reply with any kind of rational or fact-based argument as it will deflate his ego. In the case of Hitler, (this isn’t a rarity, people love bringing up Hitler in irrelevant conversations on the internet) maybe go the whole hog and pretend to be a neo-Nazi. Scare tactics seem to be the most effective methods in warding off courters.
7. The one who thinks this is a lonely hearts column. No, you probably haven’t met before.
How to respond: A pretty inoffensive effort to strike up a conversation with the member of the opposite sex here. This could be a brief respite from being inundated with dick pics from other members so be your polite and pleasant self. Or if you’re a scumbag continue to be a scumbag. Just be yourself.
8. The wild card. Who knows his motives? Is he looking for some action, is he writing a thesis on nymphomaniacs, is it a honey trap?
How to respond: Just say yes and see what happens. Never failed me yet.
9. The jack of all trades. He may try to combine a few of the previous tactics to ensnare a lady friend, kind of like an irritating Mr Tickle poking around to see what lands. He starts with obligatory chat-up lines and puns and when that doesn’t illicit the correct response he changes to tried-and-tested complimenting. I don’t think either tactic worked but I admire his tenacity.
How to respond: “Will you go out with me” then an ignore seemed to do the trick so if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
10. The sadist with wrong opinions.
How to respond: RED MILK IS BASICALLY WATER AND BLUE MILK IS BASICALLY CREAM AND GREEN HITS THE PERFECT NOTE IN THE MIDDLE YOU IMBECILE. I’m unsure as to how often this will crop up in your Tinder ventures, but it’s best to be prepared anyway.
11. Run for the fucking hills.
How to respond: Unfortunately, as with any app or social media site, some wanknuggets have to come along and ruin it for the rest of us. While a lot of messages you’ll receive will vary from annoying to odd (with a rare normal person here and there), it seems inevitable that once in a while you’ll encounter this kind of talk. Maybe for peace of mind just assume that the whole message was a typo. What he actually meant to say was: “sup fellow human. You’ve got a nice face but I don’t care about that because you seem like you are also intelligent and powerful and capable and I wish you well in all your future endeavours.”
And there we have it – the definitive guide to gentle fellows on Tinder. Just be aware that Tinder does not represent mankind as a whole and try not to get too disheartened by the sheer amount of sexual innuendos and shit puns that will be forced upon you.
In the interests of gender equality we’d like to hear from men on the most insane, sexual or funny messages you’ve received from girls on Twitter. Email us on our about page to send your stories in…
Words by Erin Doyle